Current Mood: amused

i look to the sky
my eyes do perceive
the bluest of blues
and autumnal, glowing leaves

happy fills me, joy in the way
the time seems to slow, on this, gloried day
as eve starts to set, and warmth fills my bones
i take this blissful feeling, all the way home

Tags: poem
Current Location: where i am
Current Mood: cheerful

well the bad things seem to have stopped happening to me with out to much damage.  with the exception of my sister, who is getting better, there have been no direct family problems.  it seemed like i was just waiting for something bad to happen to one of my kids. it was overwhelming me, my thoughts, everything i did.  my cell would ring and i was sure it was my wife or the school telling me to hurry to the hospital because one of your kids is dieing. but it didn't happen, yet!  gotta love that positive spin i put on things. the glass,half full, half empty.  shit no its smashed on the floor!!!!!  so anyway as i said to my therapist yesterday there seems to be a glimmer of hope right now.  i wouldnt go as far as saying there is a light at the end of the tunnel because the end of the tunnes is so far away the light cant travel that far. but anyway i will continue on my journey in hopes i find a better place.

enjoy

Current Mood: contemplative

so today brings the start of the season of death.  for the next six months there is more dark than light. so what else shall it bring.  i'm not prepaired this year, i think i will go home and have a fire in my back yard to welcome the fall. maybe if i just worship the earth and its simplicity it will make me happy.

so i was in a golf turniment sat. i don't golf often mostly just benifits.  i figure there are a lot of people are worse off than me so if i can do alittle to help i will.  also i've been thinking lately that maybe if i do good for others maybe some good will come to me.  that couldnt be further from the truth.  prior to starting our round a friend tells me his wife is in the hospital.  she is animic.  she also has a drinking problem and has been told to stop drinking or she wont live long enough to see her son graduate from high school, he is in 7th grade. so of course that puts a bit of a damper on my thoughts i start wondering is this the begining of the end?  a few minutes later this same friend makes a comment about haveing to go to a wake the next day so i ask who?  he says didnt i tell you ted died,  well no!  all i could really come up with at this point was ....fuck,   that sucks....  ted was only 50!  i think that this pushed me just far enough to where i have stopped feeling now, put all this bad shit in its little compartment, find a nice dark spot way in the back of my mind and lock it up there.  it worked for me when i was a kid maybe i need to start again,  who gives a shit about the three years i've spent trying to reverse the effects of that childhood defence mechanism.   please god fucking stop!!!!!

Current Location: hell

AS SUMMERS END DRAWS NEAR, AND THE VEGITATION GETS READY FOR IT'S LOSS.  MY THOUGHTS ENEVIDABLY HEAD TWARDS DEATH.  THE DEATH OF ALL THOSE BEAUTIFUL LEAVES, THE BUGS THAT WILL DIE, (ALTHO FOR SOME IT IS GOOD), JUST THE WHOLE CHANGE THAT COMES, THE BIRDS THAT WILL START HEADING SOUTH.  THE BATS THAT LIVE IN A BAT HOUSE ATTACHED TO MY HOUSE HAVE ALREADY HEADED OF TO THERE WINTER LOCATION.  IT MAKES ME SAD!  BUT THIS YEAR HAS BEEN SPECIAL, UNFORTUNATLY NOT A GOOD SPECIAL.  OVER THE LAST TWO MONTHS IT HAS BEEN ONE THING AFTER ANOTHER FOR ME.  I WILL STICK TO SOME OF THE BIGGER THINGS AS THEY ARE THE MAJOR THINGS FUCKING WITH ME.  ABOUT TWO MONTHS AGO A WOMAN THAT I AM, (WAS), IN A SUPPORT GROUP WITH KILLED HERSELF, SHE WAS A NURSE TOOK THE PILLS SHE WAS ON AND QUIETLY SLIPPED ON TO THE NEXT RELM LEAVEING ME JUST A LITTLE MORE FUCKED UP.  THEN THERE WAS ANOTHER MEMBER OF THE SAME GROUP THAT DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO MOVE ON.  THAT WAS ALSO A GREAT BLOW AS I LIKED HIM AND HIS WISDOM VERY MUCH.  I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT ALL THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON DURING A PERIOD IN TIME WHERE I WAS FORCED TO MOVE MY SHOP AT WORK,(THAT I HAVE BEEN IN FOR TEN YEARS)  AND JOIN A DIFFERENT DEPT. WITH A NEW BOSS. FORTUNETLY THAT HAS WORKED OUT OK.  BUT THAT BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT ISSUE,  THE BOSS I HAVE HAD HERE FOR THOSE TEN YEARS, AND WHO I LIKE VERY MUCH, HAS BEEN DIAGNOCED WITH CANCER.  ITS A TYPE THAT THEY CAN TREAT BUT NOTCURE SO ITS JUST A MATTER OF TIME.  AHH, WONDERFUL TIME!  HE IS HOPEING THEY CAN SLOW IT ENOUGH TO GET ANOTHER COUPLE OF YEARS.  TWO KIDS ONE IN HIGH SCHOOL THE OTHER JUST STARTING COLLAGE. JUST WONDERFUL, HOPEFULLY YOU CAN READ THE SARCASM IN THAT LAST STATEMENT. AS IT WAS MENT TO HAVE ALOT.  NOW FOR THE ULTIMITE KICK IN THE ASS.  MY MOTHER AND SISTER WENT UP TO VT. TO GO CAMPING, AS THEY HAVE DONE EVERY YEAR FOR THE LAST 10 OR SO, MY SISTER HASNT BEEN FEELING WELL LATELY.  WELL I GUESS THE PAIN REACHED A POINT WHERE SHE COULDNT STAND IT AND ASKED MY MOTHER TO TAKE HER TO THE HOSPITAL.  WELL IT TURNS OUT SHE HAS SOME BLOOD ISSUES.  SHE IS ANEMIC, THEY WERE GOING TO GIVE HER BLOOD HER LEVEL WAS SO LOW.  BUT AFTER DOING A SHIT LOAD OF BLOOD WORK THEY DECIDED SHE HAD TO BE TRANSFERED TO ANOTHER HOSPITAL THAT HAS A HEMOTOLIGEST ON STAFF,  BECAUSE NOW IT IS POINTING TWARDS LUKIEMA.  JUST FUCKING WONDERFUL!!!!   I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I CAN TAKE!

I SIT HERE AND ISOLATE
I'VE LOST TOUCH WITH REALITY
IT'S NOT A NEW FORM OF MALADY
BUT IT'S NOW HOW I TOLERATE

LIFE,...........SO CONFUSING
DEATH,......NOT AMUSING 
TIMES,........WISH I WAS USING
LEFT,..........BRAIN IS BRUISING

i am posting  today i don't know if this is the start of me being active here again or if it will be another month before my next post.   the family just headed to florida for a  week so i have alot of time on my hands right now, as a matter of fact they should be in the air right now.  i didn't go for a couple of reasons first i don't like to fly, lack of control or something not really sure.  also i don't perticularly enjoy the company of the people they will be staying with, nice enough people but there only real intrest is money so i prefer to just stay home alone, altho i know i will miss them soon enough.  my summer has been going ok. to short of course but i must say i am really enjoying the cool nights we are haveing now!  the cooler dry days also make it easier to do work around the house, the fire wood doesn't split itself. i just hope we have enough to last the winter.  i need to find more i think its time to go scrounging out back and see what has fallen over this summer. its usually to buggy but with the cooler temps i may be able to survive a short recon out there. i just need to be careful of the poison ivy!!  well thats about it for now......................enjoy

Current Mood: calm